Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Purple Butterfly
by lady bundtcake
Summary: James of Team Rocket discovers he is actually a Sailor Scout! Hilarity ensues. Intentionally ridiculous crossover.
1. Trouble at Abercrombie!

Author's Notes:  
  
I wrote this ages ago, but it still makes me grin. This was on ff.net before under my old account name, and I've since deleted it from my old account and bumped it over here for kicks. It's a Team Rocket/Sailor Moon crossover with an emphasis on the villains (because we all know villains are the coolest characters). It's mostly weird for weirdness' sake, but I hope other people find it as amusing as I do.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR PURPLE BUTTERFLY  
  
Trouble at Abercrombie! A new senshi warrior appears!   
  
© rikachu (lady bundtcake), 10/2000   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Make the torture stop..." a weak voice gasped faintly.   
  
A tall, red-haired beauty narrowed her gaze and kicked the source of the voice, which happened to be Meowth. "Shut up!"   
  
"Yeah," a blue-haired bishounen glowered, poking his head out from behind a dressing room curtain. "We're not done with our shopping yet!"   
  
It was an atypical day in the Pokémon world. For once, Team Rocket had actually managed to get a day off, and Jessie and James were taking advantage of it by dragging Meowth along in a shop-till-you-drop marathon.   
  
James stepped out of the dressing room wearing a stunning silk royal purple prom dress. "How do I look??" he gushed happily.   
  
Jessie raised an eyebrow and Meowth made little puking noises.   
  
"James, sweetie," Jessie said, "I thought we talked about this..."   
  
Her partner pouted. "But Jessieeee," he whined pathetically, "I look so good in this color!"   
  
The redhead had to admit it did look rather striking. But she quickly shook her head to clear it and said, "Your cross dressing is getting out of hand. What would the boss think if he saw you like this?"   
  
James's eyes brightened. "That I make a gorgeous woman?"   
  
"Umm...well yeah, you do, James, but that's not the point."   
  
"Okay," he sighed heavily, slipping back behind the curtain. He emerged a few seconds later clad in khaki pants and a white t-shirt. "I guess I'm not buying anything here, then," he said sadly.   
  
"Let's go," Jessie said. "Meowth, get the bags."   
  
"But," the cat started.   
  
Jessie became super deformed and flames shot out her ears. "QUIT WHINING AND CARRY THE STUPID BAGS!"   
  
Meowth scurried underneath the fifteen bags from various stores and heaved them onto his back, wincing only slightly.   
  
The trio headed out into the main portion of the mall. "Where to?" Meowth said weakly from beneath his burden.  
  
"Abercrombie!"   
  
"Victoria's Secret!"   
  
"NO, James!!"   
  
"Sigh..."   
  
Jessie grabbed her partner by the wrist and forcefully dragged him behind her to Abercrombie & Fitch, where they came face-to-face with a superfly pimp wannabe boy sporting cargo pants and bleach-blonde highlights.   
  
"Like, hi."   
  
"Do you have anything suitable for my friend here, preferably something not black, scanty, and lacy?"   
  
The guy pointed to a rack. Jessie hauled James over to it.   
  
"Look!" she squeaked. "This shirt is guaranteed to assert your individuality!!"   
  
"By turning him into a walking advertisement..."   
  
"Shut up, Meowth! Since when do cats know anything about fashion?"   
  
"I know better than to spend $35 on a shirt that looks like it's falling apart already!"   
  
"It's stylish!"   
  
"Right..."   
  
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to our troublesome trio, a dark figure lurked in the shadows of the cash register. It giggled maniacally.   
  
James sighed and leaned against a stack of pants. He was still depressed about not getting that prom dress. 'I guess Jessie will never understand me' he thought sadly. 'But these corduroy pants *are* kinda cool'...  
  
Suddenly, he was hit with a blast of energy, driving his body across the store and slamming him into the back wall. He landed in a box of layaway swimsuits and lay there momentarily, dazed.   
  
"What the heck..." he muttered, pulling a thong out of his hair.   
  
"James?" Jessie gasped, whirling around.   
  
She was interrupted by a swirling flurry of pink cherry blossoms. Her mouth gaped open as a slim, blonde figure with rather pretty (yet somewhat androgynous) features materialized before her and levitated a good six inches off the ground.   
  
Jessie's face went red. "Hey, you!" she growled. "Leave my friend alone!"   
  
The blonde person narrowed hard emerald eyes at Jessie and threw its hand out, hitting her with a pink blast of energy. Jessie was tossed against the wall. Meowth yelped and dove underneath a bag of clothes.   
  
Jessie's assailant turned to James and smiled wickedly. "At last, I've found you," it muttered, raising the lethal hand. Out of nowhere, an ice dagger appeared and levitated off the person's index finger.   
  
James's eyes widened in fright. "Who?? Me?? You've got the wrong guy!"   
  
The attacker was about to hurl the dagger at him when the store's lighting changed completely and dramatic music filled the air.   
  
"Stop it, you witch!"   
  
James peered nervously around the blonde and saw three girls in rather sexy sailor suits standing in the entrance.   
  
"I'm Sailor Jupiter, leave that guy alone!"   
  
"I'm Sailor Venus, back away from him!"   
  
"I'm the one who's gonna make you pay for this! I'm Sailor Moon!"   
  
The blonde glowered at them. "So, the Scummy Scouts decided to show up after all."   
  
Venus glared. "That's SAILOR Scouts to you, Zoisite!"   
  
Sailor Moon pulled her tiara off her head and went through a series of seemingly random poses. "You're gonna be moon dust, Negacreep! Moon...tiara..."   
  
"ZOI!!"   
  
"Eeep!!"   
  
A blast of energy knocked the tiara across the room, where it exploded in a pretty pink mushroom cloud. Sailor Moon gasped.   
  
"My...my tiara! WAAAAAHHHHH!!!"   
  
Venus and Jupiter clapped their hands over their ears. "Shut up!"   
  
A purple cat appeared and glared at the crying Scout. "Sailor Moon, would you do your job??"   
  
Moon's eyes were all big and watery and kawaii. "But Luna, she blew up my tiara!"   
  
"Fine!" Jupiter yelled. "I'll handle this old witch! Jupiter Supreme...uh...Jupiter Thundershock...erm...what's my attack's dub name again?"   
  
Venus shrugged. "Beats me. They change it like every other episode."   
  
Zoisite sneered. "You're all so pathetic."   
  
Venus glared menacingly at the copper-haired woman. "Crescent Beam!" she yelled, pointing her finger at Zoisite.   
  
But she was too slow. Zoisite vanished in a cloud of petals.   
  
"Nuts," Venus muttered.  
  
Jessie crawled over to her traumatized partner and stroked the side of his face. "Are you all right?" she asked worriedly.   
  
Luna suddenly seemed to take notice of the people they'd been trying to save and gasped. She rushed over to the pair.   
  
"It's you," she said in wonder.   
  
"Huh?" Jessie replied, confused.  
  
"The final Sailor Scout! Oh, we've found you at last!"   
  
Jessie's jaw hung open as she looked first at Luna, then at the three Sailor Scouts, then back at the cat. "I...I'm a Sailor Scout? A defender of love and justice? And all this time I thought I was just another villain!"   
  
"Not you," Luna muttered. "Him!"  
  
"ME??" James squeaked.   
  
"Yes! It is you, the mighty Sailor Purple Butterfly!"   
  
"Purple Butterfly? That's not a planet."   
  
"It's a fanfic, go with it."   
  
"Oh."  
  
"Here," Luna said, handing him a cute little pink transformation wand. It had a planetary symbol on it, a large pink...butterfly.   
  
"Cool!" James said, turning the wand over in his hands.   
  
"Now all you have to do is click your heels together three times and say, 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home...'"   
  
"Wrong movie," Venus whispered.   
  
"Umm...I mean, say 'Purple Butterfly Prism Power'!"   
  
James shakily rose to his feet and threw the hand clutching the transformation wand dramatically into the air. "PURPLE BUTTERFLY PRISM POWER!" he yelled.   
  
Suddenly, James was surrounded by pretty purple and pink light. Ribbons and butterflies seemed to shoot out his fingertips and encircle his body. Cool violin music played in the background and he spun around a few times before striking a cool pose.   
  
"Oh...my...god..." Jessie gasped.   
  
James was wearing a pretty little sailor fuku, with a purple skirt and pink ribbons. His blue hair was done up in odango, and he was sporting purple sparkly high heels and pink knee-highs. His upper thighs appeared to be waxed, and in one ear he wore a cute purple butterfly-shaped earring.   
  
James giggled happily. "It's purple!! EEEEE!!"   
  
"James, take that off, now!!" Jessie commanded.   
  
Sailor Moon poked her fingers in her ears. "EEEW!! No hentai!"   
  
"Maximo Grosso!" shouted Sailor Venus, tying Jessie up with a Venus Love-Me Chain.   
  
"Hey!" Jessie yelled, struggling to break free from the chain of golden hearts. "Let me out of here!!"   
  
"Not until you stop being such a pervert!" Sailor Jupiter said.   
  
"Oh, please. This coming from the 'talented' one."   
  
"Can it, Venus!"   
  
"Make me!"   
  
The two went at each other and began clawing and tearing at each other's uniforms.   
  
"Bitch!"   
  
"Slut!"   
  
Sailor Moon started chanting, "Jerry, Jerry!"   
  
Luna screeched. "SHUT UP!! ALL OF YOU!"   
  
Sailor Moon's eyes began to water. "You're so mean to meeee!! WAAAHHHH!!"   
  
Luna rolled her eyes. "Oh, god."  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Will Jupiter and Venus ever stop fighting? Will Jessie ever learn to accept James's habitual cross-dressing? Will Meowth ever come out from under the bags of shopping? Will rikki-chan continue to gratuitously insert Zoisite into this series simply because she is obsessed with our androgynous Negaverse warrior? Find out in the next installment of...  
  
  
  
BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR PURPLE BUTTERFLY!! 


	2. Who is that masked humanoid personage? A...

BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR PURPLE BUTTERFLY  
  
Who is that masked humanoid personage? Armani Suit appears!   
  
© rikachu (lady bundtcake), 10/2000   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
"Mmm, cookies!" Serena said happily, grabbing five off the plate and shoving them into her mouth simultaneously.   
  
Raye rolled her eyes. "Pig."   
  
The meatball-headed blonde's eyes welled up with tears. "You're so mean to me, Raye!!"   
  
A knock on the door interrupted the sparring Scouts. "Come in!" Raye yelled.   
  
The door to Serena's room swung open to reveal James, followed by a rather irritated looking Jessie. Serena waved happily and patted the ground beside her. "James!" she called. "Come sit by meeee!"   
  
James happily skipped over to Serena and plopped down next to her, giving her a big hug. "Hey, girlfriend!" he said in a disturbingly fruity voice.   
  
Jessie groaned inwardly. This fighting crime in drag thing was not exactly doing wonders for James's lack of manhood.   
  
Raye took a cookie and nibbled on it. "So, what have you been up to, James?"   
  
"Oh, not much! Gosh, I just love getting an opportunity to hang with the girls! Isn't this great, Jess?" James gushed.   
  
Jessie leaned against the doorframe. "Yeah. Whatever."   
  
Suddenly, Serena's communicator, which was lying on the floor, bleeped. She nabbed it and clicked it on to reveal Amy's worried face.   
  
"Guys, there's trouble! I bet it's the Negaverse again!"   
  
"We're on our way!" Serena said.   
  
James grinned happily. "I get to wear my pretty fuku now!"   
  
"And aren't we all just thrilled to see that," Jessie muttered.   
  
"You're just jealous that I'm a cool Sailor Scout and you're just a Team Rocket bad guy!" James said, sticking his tongue out at the redhead.   
  
She glowered. "JEALOUS?? Like I'd ever in a million years want to parade around in a dumb skirt like that!"   
  
Serena's lip wobbled. "They're not dumb-looking..."   
  
Jessie shot her a look of pure evil. "If you even THINK about crying, I'm going to ram your stupid Cutie Moon Wand up your nose!!"   
  
"Why didn't I ever think of doing that?" Raye mused.   
  
James stood up and pulled his henshin stick out of his pocket. He stuck his nose proudly into the air and snuffled. "Come on, girls. WE have a job to do!"   
  
Jessie picked up a cookie and hurled it at James, hitting him on the side of the face. "Fine! Go! See if I care!"   
  
James brushed the cookie out of his hair. "I will," he sniffed, storming out of the room. Serena hurried off after him.   
  
Jessie folded her arms across her chest and glared bitterly at the ground. Raye looked at her.   
  
"You know, Jessie, if you're really that jealous, you could always join us," she began.   
  
Jessie's head shot up. "I'm NOT jealous! Besides, I can't join you. I'm not a Sailor Scout."  
  
"No," Raye admitted. "But maybe there's some other ways you could help us out. Like Tuxedo Mask; he's not a Scout, but he always knows just when to appear and help us. Maybe you could do something like that," the raven-haired girl suggested before following Serena and James.   
  
Jessie stood alone in Serena's room for a moment, thinking.   
  
Maybe...   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Zoisite and Malachite had put their latest plan into action. They were at the local art museum, where tons of people had gathered to view Juju VonSchmickel's latest sculpture. The idea was to wait until Juju unveiled the sculpture, then swoop down on everyone and use Malachite's dark energy dome to trap everyone. This would surely bring the Sailor Scouts running, at which time Zoisite would put on Groucho Marx glasses and a trenchcoat to disguise herself and sneak up behind them, stabbing each girl in the back with one of her ice crystals. It was brilliant.  
  
Meanwhile, however, the museum director was giving some big, boring speech about how cool the sculpture was, so the two were using their time wisely and making out like the sex-crazed fiends they were.   
  
As the two kissed and groped each other, a familiar blue-haired heroine spotted them.   
  
"That's got to be Zoisite and Malachite! Nobody else could be that disgusting in public!" Amy had thought briefly before contacting Serena and the other Scouts.   
  
Now she waited patiently, keeping an eye on the two, much against her wishes.   
  
Zoisite surfaced momentarily for air. "Oh, Malachite, you're so wonderful!" she gasped.   
  
Her silver-haired teacher was too busy nibbling at her neck to reply, so he mumbled something indecipherable.   
  
Zoisite's fingers ran through Malachite's hair, clutching it. He lifted his head momentarily to murmur, "Sweetie, let's not mess up my hair, all right?"   
  
Amy rolled her eyes and tried not to be sick.   
  
She was startled by a tap on her shoulder, and turned around to come face to face with James, Serena, and Raye. "About time you three showed up!" she muttered, pointing at the two Negaverse generals.   
  
Serena's eyes bugged out of her head. "Whoa..." she murmured. She suddenly had rather dreamy thoughts about Tuxedo Mask.   
  
James stared at the pair as well, and suddenly imagined him and Jessie acting like...   
  
"Hellloooo? Guys? We probably ought to transform sometime today," Raye said, bonking them over the head with her henshin pen.  
  
"Oh. Right," Serena and James coughed before pulling out their pens. The four ducked into a hallway to transform so the other people in the art museum wouldn't hear their background music.   
  
"And now, presenting the work of Juju VonSchmickel!" the museum art director cried, pulling the veil from the sculpture. The crowd gave it a simultaneous, "Ooooh."   
  
Malachite delicately pried his love off his body. "Let's get to work, Zoisite."   
  
Zoisite wrapped her arms around his midsection and snuggled her head into his chest. "Do we have to?" she murmured.  
  
The older general kissed her lightly on the forehead before forcefully removing her. "Go put on your trenchcoat."   
  
Zoisite sighed and skipped off to change.   
  
"DARK ENERGY ELECTRIFY!!"   
  
The copper-haired warrior turned her head briefly to take a final look at her lover, thinking about how incredibly hot he looked, with his hair streaming out horizontally from his head and blue energy shooting out of his fingertips. "What a man!" she giggled.   
  
"Butterfly donut magic!"   
  
A little chocolate donut bounced off Zoisite's head. "What the--?" she started.   
  
"Stop right there, Zoisite, or in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!"   
  
Zoisite whirled around and came face to face with four Sailor Scouts. "You!" she glowered, bringing her hand up. She paused when she saw the newest Scout.   
  
"Are you a man or a woman?" she asked scornfully.   
  
Sailor Purple Butterfly narrowed his eyes. "The same thing could be said about you, Blondie!"   
  
"HEY! You dare insult my perfect looks? You're gonna pay!! ZOI!!" Zoisite screamed, shooting an energy blast at the Scouts.   
  
Sailor Mars, Mercury, and Moon managed to dodge the attack, but Purple Butterfly was hit and went flying. He landed rather ungracefully against the marbled wall and moaned once before blacking out.   
  
Meanwhile, Malachite was surrounding all the annoying art-goers in a big black dome and slowly shrinking it. He was a bit surprised when Zoisite came running into his arms, crying.   
  
"What's wrong, my love?" he cooed, trying his best to hug her without letting go of the energy containment dome.  
  
"That stupid guy in the purple fuku said I was ugly!" she sobbed.   
  
"WHAT? Someone dared to insult my sweet Zoi-chan??" Malachite growled. "Here, why don't I let you torture him slowly and painfully? Would that make you feel better?"  
  
Zoisite nodded and wiped her face.   
  
"Let them go, Malachite!" Sailor Moon shouted, putting her hands on her hips.   
  
Malachite coolly glanced over his shoulder at the Sailor Scouts. "Go away."   
  
Zoisite moved away from her lover and blasted the three remaining Scouts with her cherry blossoms attack. "Back off, Sailor Brats!" she yelled. The three tumbled over each other and landed in a rather ungraceful little pile.   
  
The Negaverse general walked over to the prone body of Sailor Purple Butterfly. "Payback time," she glowered, forming a long ice dagger in her right hand.   
  
Suddenly, her hand was smacked by a bottle of candy-red nail polish. "OW!" she screeched, dropping her ice crystal.  
  
A female figure stood atop of a reproduction sculpture of Michelangelo's David. She had long red hair and was wearing a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, complete with fake rubber nose, and a really nice tailored blue suit.  
  
Zoisite's eyes narrowed. "Those are MY fake nose and glasses! Give them back!"   
  
"Finders keepers!" the suited-woman said, jumping off the sculpture and landing gracefully in a traditional Anime funky pose.   
  
"Who the hell are you??"   
  
"I'm Armani Suit! I'm here to protect Sailor Purple Butterfly! NYAH!" Armani Suit cried, hurling some bottles of nail polish at Zoisite.   
  
One landed at Zoisite's feet and broke open, splattering Midnight Passions nail polish all over her shiny black boot. "Damn it!" Zoisite cursed, pulling a Kleenex out of her pocket and applying it to her foot. "You ruined my shoe!"   
  
Armani Suit crouched beside Sailor Purple Butterfly and lifted his head into her arms. "Are you all right?" she asked gently, stroking the side of his face.   
  
Sailor Purple Butterfly's eyes tried to focus on his red-haired rescuer. "I am now. Have we...met?" he asked weakly.   
  
Zoisite picked up her ice crystal and advanced toward the pair.   
  
"Um...hold on to that thought," Armani Suit muttered, laying Purple Butterfly back on the floor. She pulled a pokéball out of her pocket and threw it at Zoisite. "Go, Arbok!"  
  
The large purple cobra popped obediently out of its ball and hissed menacingly at the general. Zoisite squealed in terror.   
  
"SNAKE!! AAAAHH!!!!"   
  
She ran in an absolute panic toward Malachite and leaped onto his back, clutching him desperately around the neck. Malachite turned blue and started gasping for air. He lost concentration, causing the energy dome to collapse.   
  
"Damn it!" he swore, pulling Zoisite off his back. The people who had been trapped in the dome looked up groggily, confusion plain on their faces.   
  
Malachite glared fiercely at Armani Suit. "You haven't seen the last of us!" he yelled before he and Zoisite teleported out of the museum.   
  
Armani Suit's blue eyes smiled with fierce satisfaction. She recalled Arbok and helped James to his feet.  
  
"Let's get the other Sailors and get out of here," she said.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Later that evening...   
  
"You're not gonna believe this, Jessie, but when we were at the art museum, that blonde Negachick almost killed me!" James said excitedly.   
  
Jessie cocked an eyebrow at him. "And you're happy about this why...?"   
  
"Because I was saved! I was saved by this amazing redhead in a nice suit!" James said dreamily, putting a hand to his face.   
  
"Wow. Lucky you," Jessie said absently.   
  
"Yeah, I guess so. I guess she really likes me or something," James said. He gazed out at the night sky.  
  
"You want to know something else, Jessie?" he said eagerly.   
  
"Mmm?"   
  
"She had an Arbok! Just like you!"   
  
"Lots of people have an Arbok, James."   
  
"I guess. It just...reminded me of you."   
  
Jessie glanced at him. "Really?"   
  
"Yeah," James said. He sighed happily. "I could get used to this Sailor business, if it means I get saved by gorgeous redheads."   
  
"I wouldn't push your luck, buddy."  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
Could this series get any weirder? Should rikki-chan's computer be forcibly taken away from her from having attempted to turn this jargon into a semi-coherent story? Should Zoisite and Malachite rule the world? If you said yes to all of the above, you're a very wise person and shouldn't be wasting your precious time reading this garbage! But seeing as it's too late and you already did read it, I sincerely hope you're not scarred for life!   
  
And in case you didn't notice, Meowth wasn't in this episode. Maybe he's still at Abercrombie & Fitch... O_o   
  
Will he ever return?? Probably not! But you'll find out in the next extremely idiotic episode of...   
  
BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR PURPLE BUTTERFLY!! 


End file.
